Andy and I are celebrating our silver anniversary this week. 25 years! It doesn’t even feel like we are old enough to celebrate 25 years of marriage! In some ways it feels like we’ve been together forever…but it also seems like just yesterday we were planning our wedding. We have been together more years in our lives than we’ve been apart. I would love to say that we have had 25 years of marital bliss, that it’s all been easy and effortless, all rainbows and butterflies…you know, the perfect love story. But, I can’t say that because it simply isn’t the truth. The truth is that marriage is hard and it takes a LOT of work. We have struggled, we’ve almost burnt it to the ground, a couple of times. We’ve had more misunderstandings than I can count. We’ve had our fair share of hard times. It can be so messy and exhausting, but with the right mindset and effort, marriage, and all the work that you put into it, can truly create a wonderful and beautiful life for you and your spouse.
As we reach our silver anniversary, I can say with absolute certainty that Andy and I are more in love now than we’ve ever been. We understand and trust each other more than ever. We are more in sync and “on the same page” than we ever have been before. I know my husband to his depths and core and he knows me just as well…if not better! How did we get to this point? With a lot of hard work and determination. Our vows that we took on our wedding day have more meaning today than they did 25 years ago. We understand now what it means to say, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and health. We GET it now! We are in this marriage til death do us part, as long as we both shall live! Before, those were just words…now they are a mantra!
Andy was 24 and I was 20 when we got married. We were kids! So young, we didn’t have a clue about life, the decision-making part of our brains hadn’t even fully developed yet! We grew up together in our 20s…we were irresponsible, but boy…did we have some fun! I was married to my best friend! Late 20s to early 30s we had our babies…one big happy family! But wait, adulting is hard and parenting is even harder! We hit a rough patch…it got pretty ugly, we almost called it quits! But we were able to work through it and find our way back to each other and our marriage. We had this…we were raising these amazing kids, learning how to juggle all the responsibilities that come with raising a family, going to work, maintaining a household, and sustaining a marriage. We were like a well-oiled machine. We had a routine and stuck with it day in and day out. We had reached a point where we were just going through the motions. We were getting through our day-to-day life and doing all the things adults are “supposed” to do. Somewhere along the way we lost “us”. We didn’t fight with each other really, we got along just fine. We were just “getting by” and surviving life. Looking back now…we were half-assing everything in life as we went along. We were just surviving as we let the days go by. Until we didn’t! Here comes the wrench thrown directly into my plans! Here I was “roboting” my way through life. Sweeping problem after problem under the rug…those problems eventually go away right? Things were decent…we still lived life, and we were still nice to each other, but we were right smack in the middle of a mediocre marriage. It was just blah. Little did I know, Andy was so unhappy with life that he was ready to throw in the towel, call it quits, he needed more out of life. I didn’t see this coming, because we never talked about anything. This announcement hit me like a ton of bricks. My world as I knew it was crumbling down around me! I’ve never been an adult by myself! Like I said…Andy and I grew up together! How would I do this by myself? Truth be told…if we kept this mediocrity going on longer, I probably would’ve found myself eventually wanting to call it quits too.
2 years ago we separated and were seriously considering a divorce. Trying to fix what was broken seemed like an impossible task. But, I didn’t want a divorce! That felt like the easy route, just to give up. I knew we loved each other, I knew we could find it again, and I KNEW we were worth fighting for! It took some convincing, some counseling, some time, some long, in-depth conversations, and some heartache and tears…but eventually we BOTH started fighting for our marriage together! We both knew we wanted a strong, happy, and healthy marriage…we just had to figure out how to get it! We desired happiness…together! This is how we got there…
Communication! I can’t say that word enough!! We were living for the past 20 years based on assumptions! I “assumed” that he knew how I felt about him! I assumed he knew that I loved him, found him attractive, and appreciated the things he did for me…but did I ever really SAY those things to him?? NO! I never communicated that with him. I assumed he knew. I have learned to say those things to make sure he knows. He always assumed I didn’t care, or assumed I was mad about something…did he ever ask? NO! When I was ever mad or irritated about something…I would give the silent treatment! I assumed he knew and would understand why I was mad or irritated. Did I tell him? No! Did he ask? No! I thought he should be able to read my mind! We would just NOT talk about it, move on, sweep it under the rug, let it build.NEVER to be communicated! However, now we have learned to talk about it ALL! We talk about anything and everything. No more assumptions. We talk. If something upsets or bothers us, we talk about it! Even if it’s cringy, embarrassing, or makes us feel vulnerable, it gets talked about! Our rugs are gone and nothing gets swept under!! The good, the beautiful, the bad, the ugly…it’s communicated!!! No more assumptions in this relationship.
Not 50/50…100/100– We started both giving our all, devoting 100% to our marriage. We both do things for each other, for our family and for our marriage. We know what we want and we are going to keep it that way!
We worked on ourselves…mentally! We didn’t go to marriage counseling. We went to counseling individually and learned to deal with our own internal feelings and emotions. We learned so much about ourselves as individuals so we could make a better team together. If we are our best selves there is no stopping us as a couple! I didn’t realize what a poor state my mental and emotional health was in until I talked it out in therapy! Andy was skeptical…but his opinion completely changed. He too, is so thankful for the mental clarity that came from counseling. Our counseling made us better spouses for each other.
Our religious relationship. Through the years, we would randomly go to church on special occasions, never consistently.I would always say generic bedtime prayers, but I wasn’t consistent in prayer either. Now, I pray more than I ever have. I pray specific prayers, I spend quiet time with God. We go to church together every Sunday. We know that God has done amazing things for our lives and our marriage. There is so much power in faith and prayer. Prayers were answered and our marriage was saved!
Our physical health is a top priority. Remember how I said “in sickness and in health” means more to us now?! We both take the health of our bodies very seriously. We were active before, but never fit. We had poor eating habits and never exercised together. Now, we both have our own health routines and we are in the best shape of our lives. Making your health and fitness a top priority helps you to be your best self for your loved ones. We walk and ruck together several times a week and love the time and talks that we have together while going. We eat and prep the same foods and share healthy foods on date nights. We still go out for drinks on occasion and in moderation. When we feel like the best version of ourselves, we can give our best versions to each other.
Confidence…like I said, I’ve never been an adult by myself. I think the separation a couple of years ago helped me to know that I CAN do life on my own. I don’t NEED anyone’s help. I learned so much about myself. But I WANT to have my husband by my side. Andy went through this too. We had become so dependent on each other…that we lost ourselves as individuals. He now has so much more confidence in himself and our marriage. He knows how I feel about him(because we communicate). We have more confidence now than ever…because we know together, we are unstoppable.
Love Languages-Take the time to take the Love Languages quiz!! https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language Know and learn what your spouse needs to feel loved. It turns out, we were doing this part all wrong! I was showing Andy love the way I need love…that’s not what he needs. He was also doing the same to me. Now that we know and communicate so well we understand what to do for each other so we feel the love! Andy is “words of affirmation” meaning, he needs to hear me say things about our love and marriage, he needs to hear compliments, he needs to know that he makes me proud and happy. I, on the other hand, am “acts of service” meaning I need help and things done for me. Like, if he cleans up the dishes after dinner, does a load of laundry, washes my car, all without me asking, he knows I will feel so appreciated and loved. It makes me feel like my time is valuable to him too. We’ve learned that intentional kindness and thoughtfulness toward each other goes a long way. Andy does things around the house for me because he knows it will help me and make me happy. I know that sending him a text that I’m thinking about him, or me complimenting him on how he looks will make him feel adored too.
Grace and forgiveness-As hard as we try…we will never be perfect. Life is messy, we make mistakes, and we make poor choices sometimes. When your spouse messes up… show them some grace and forgive. That doesn’t mean that you have to forget. It just means that you can recognize and identify the problem, learn how to deal with it, and let it go! If one of us makes a poor choice that upsets the other, we’ve learned to talk it out, be honest about our feelings, and decide how to fix it. Holding grudges and stewing over something is not good for your mental health or for any relationship.
Encouragement for each other. We don’t do all of the same things. He runs…me not so much. I write life wellness blog posts…him not so much. But, we encourage each other to succeed in things that we aren’t as interested in because we love each other, and seeing each other winning is a wonderful feeling. Supporting each other’s interests goes a long way! Having your spouse in your corner is an amazing feeling!
Common goals! We both know that we want to live a happy and healthy life TOGETHER! We know that we want to live the rest of our living years in this marriage watching our kids grow up and have families of their own. We want to travel and do things that we love together. We want to retire from our current jobs and find something new to be when we grow up. We want a fun second career. We love to set goals and find ways to achieve them! Making plans together is a lot of fun when there are common goals to set!
It’s taken us over 20 years to figure this out, I’m sure other problems may arise as the years go by. But by knowing what we know, I feel like we can look any problem in the face and find the solution together. We have learned to NEVER, EVER give up on each other.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 – Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
